luvv_me

my new lj is dressedinblue

www.livejournal.com/users/dressedinblue

thats the end of luvv_me, so add me!

fuck it all. no one understands. its such bull shit. so after my mom told me she didnt want me she took me shopping for shoes and bras and stuff, and like ten people almost saw. damn it. i'm sure at least two people did, but they didnt say anything. if my mom sees shes going to put me in serious therepy sessions, like i need that on top of homework and the play and trying to have a social life when your parents wont let you. i dont know what they expect of me. i'm trying so hard but nothing is going right. then people get all worried and shit, and its not like i asked for sympathy, i'm not asking you to be worried about me, so all that shit about me needing attention, fuck you all. haha ok heres a little story to lighten up the lj, today i felt really sick of myself, and really confined in my house so i decided to go on a run. I was all the way down paradise, my street, when i start getting a lil asthma, so then i have to run all the way up this huge hill to get back home and i was like on my knees by the time i got home. lol so much for running and running. i was planning on at least an hour or two of running, and i got like a thirty minute run. damn. lol. i think i want to make a new lj, i'll post it later, luvv_me is just getting old. i don't understand my mom at all. i can't tell if she loves me, or hates me, or loves me but doesnt want to be near me. its all just so screwed up.

My sister spent all day blowing up balloons. They littered our room, and the entire house. They were so bright. Big bubbles of color everywhere.
Then my mom got angry. I was growing out of all my shoes etc. I needed to go shopping for them, but I also needed to do homework. She didn’t want to give me the reward before I did the work. We started yelling, on top of each other. I said something that made her particularly mad, she had nothing to throw, so she stamped on one of the balloons. It popped. And then there was nothing. I started screaming louder, and she did louder, then she grabbed me and started shaking me. I don’t belong here, but I have nowhere to go. No one wants to live with me. I take up too much room. All my anger and hate and destruction just eats at everything and everyone. I don’t know who I am. Then I expect other people not to judge me before they know me, but how can they know me when no one does? All I know is that I cant stand being controlled, and if I’m not free to make my own decisions I cant live happily. All my life when I was with my dad I’ve had to take care of myself and my sister, and be the adult, but then my mom expects me to be the child when I’m with her, and let her control me. But I can’t make myself do that, so now I’ve lost both worlds. It almost makes me want to go see a good scary movie or something. I don’t know. I’m not perfect. I don’t try to be this way, but she expects me to be so much, and then when I’m not she gets so angry.

And then its like everything you loved about them, all those memories you kept, it kills it all. It makes you hate them even more. You were so happy then, you loved them so much, but now its like they’ve changed so much that its not fair to see how much they loved you, and how they don’t anymore. It makes me so mad. I need to go. I need somewhere to go.

i thought that since my computer has like three viruses i wouldn't be able to go on my infected internet explorer. i was wrong. I had so much fun on friday, i love you guys so much, lol what happens at the beach, stays at the beach. haha.

its really hard to explain how i feel right now. I feel like none of what's happened very recently should have happened, and i feel like running. just  running. never stopping, dont know where i'm going. It just came so fast. Some people understand. Not many. Tracy i think you do. could be wrong. Is this the only chance we get? after this life. Do we really just die. and thats the end forever? Just frozen in time. Do we dream from then on? Or does all the color go too?

Nowhere to go. killing all the love. taking away what i've been given. people who commit suicide seem so pussy. just ending it, taking the easy way out. Wouldn't you wonder what might've happened after? how things might have ended up?

Don't understand. i feel so numb right now. i'm not happy or sad or mad or upset. i just am. last night i was so upset. and then it all happened so fast. i was so angry and then i realized. then it hurt. damn. it was so stupid. but its done now.

Ha, my mom. i can't spend the night for a month anywhere, my door might get taken away, same with my stereo, and my computer. i couldn't go with you guys today, and i really wanted too. Nothing is going right and i cant fix it. I think she was just upset at the time, but she said so many things that really hurt me. She said she was going to give me to my dad, cause she didn't want to put up with this. Its not like he wants me.

I think i need a hug. i dont know what i need. i just want to wash this all away, or just run, just run.

i wish i had more time to type right now, so many things i want to say!

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

yeh...
haha do i tell the guy i like that i like him? or do i wait for him to make the first move?. how very immature of me, tee hee
talk to yall later, <3 -black bean

hey everyone merry Christmahanukwanzaka! Or just merry christmas. sorry about my last couple of entries, when i'm with my dad i get all sad and shit. anyways hahahahahahahahahahaha as tracy would say I WIN!!! ha guess what i got for christmas. hahahahahahaha! a prepaid mastercard! yeah bitch! tankie to my momma and david! I missed everyone lots+lots i still want to do something w/ everyone, hows a movie sound? ack i still cant find my cell phone and i'm starting to get worried. my mom suspended my IM-ing so i wont be talking to u guys for a while, and myuggsarefake she doesnt know about, but i cant remember my password, figures. ok sooo i gotta go, zoom zoom, its christmas eve and i dont want to miss out on the fun...haha...family fun is always fun... i think i'll go get drunk haha on chardonnay or something ogmogmgomgmogmogmogmogom OMFG speaking of drunk, wait but shhhh, ok so David had a bit too much tequila and then beer and stuff and he got drunk, cuz my mom and him had this party, but it was all in good fun, so after the party my mom was trying to clean up in the kitchen and david kept stepping in the piles she was sweeping up and picking at food etc. so she was like "Get out of my kitchen!!!" nicely of course..... but David kept picking at the black beans and rice and then my mom said "leave the black beans alone!!" so david started singing "immm a black bean, i'm a black bean, i'm a blaaack bean, iiiiiiiiim a blaaaaaack bean!!"" ahahahahahhahahhahaha good times, good good times

Sometimes I just want to tell everybody everything. People would look at me differently then. They wouldn’t give me the same shit about me never having to go through anything, or work for anything, or take care of anything. I wouldn’t still be immature ditzy Isabelle. Things would be so much different.
When I feel I am about to tell my friends everything, or put something on my live journal, I stop. I stop because I realize I don’t want everyone to know everything about me. I don’t want to share my life with them for respect. I don’t think anyone understands. I don’t want to be judged, or pitied, or looked down upon, or worried for. I just want respect, just to be treated as an equal.
Yet at other times I just wish it was so simple as being able to tell everyone everything, not having to worry about lies, or images, or simply trying to be something I’m not for someone else.
You know what else? I hate being happy all the time. I really do. Even if I am happy at the moment, it doesn’t mean I need to let the world know. And when I’m sad I don’t need to get so depressed. I wish I could just find that middle, the balance between happy and sad.
Most of all I just wish people understood me. There are some things I have never told anyone and probably never will, but I wish that there was someone I could tell them too. Someone who wouldn’t get freaked out when I told them things, who wouldn’t judge me based on what I told them. Based on my life which sometimes is just so screwed up, even when things could be so simple. I know this sounds really corny, but maybe I’ll find that person I can really tell everything someday, but now its kind of hard to tell anyone anything at all. its really hard to keep this all to myself, it would be so much easier to tell everyone.
And yet it seems, the person I want most to read this probably never will. I’m sorry for ranting at everyone all the time, but you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to so don’t complain to me. I think I am the most pessimistic person I know. I very well could be.

hey everyone, i thought winter vaca. would be super amazingly fun, but i am bored! i wonder if this thing works:

<a href="http://www.spacefem.com/blobs/"><img src="http://www.spacefemmites.com/blob1204/discoblob.gif" width="90" height="98" border="0" alt="Adopt your own useless blob!"></a>

hmm i hope so. So i dunno what to do haha, like i'm gonna post my "problem" here. lol. but it is so annoying.

I HAVE NO REAL FOOD AT MY DADS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS ALL SUGAR FREE, OR FLOUR FREE, OR FAT FREE, OR LOW CARB, OR LOW CALORIE. I CANT EAT!! LOL IF YOU LOVE ME U WILL SEND ME FOOD. ((whacks dad w/ banana "where is my food???")) hehe... sooo bored. we should do something really interesting. like a partay!hmm.. haha after xmas i want to see everyone!! i might not be online for a very very long time, my mom is kinda mad at me, so if u want to talk to me again in the next three weeks call me!! 

moms house: (310) 455-3180

dads house: (310) 822-2150

my cell(which i cant find at the moment!) (310) 404-1535

i love u guys lots and lots!!! i'll miss everyone, we should all go to a movie or something in the last week of break! ttyl, xoxoxo -isabelle

p.s. OMG i dropped a coke and it exploded everywhere!!! and it just kept coming and coming and it was all over so i grabbed it and threw it outside and that punctured it so even more coke came out, and it started splashing in through the door, cause it was such a big explosion so i shut the door on it and let it fizz out, then i ran around my house w/ a rag trying to clean up before my dad came home!

p.s.s Of course the coke had to be, not a REAL coke, but a pepsi one, a one calorie chemical bottle, yummm.

I still dont know what to do about my dad, and i really don't want to go to arrowhead. I am going to miss you guys so much! ha, like my quiz?

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	Pirate Captain Blackbeard
If not then you were:	A pretty little flower
Quiz created with MemeGen!

ahh, good times Tracy, good times...bob...lol...so tracy and i went to the promenade to see a ten thirty show of ze Increedeeblees which got out at twelve 45 and no one was on the promenade!! no one!! except bums, lots and lots of bums. why are they called bums? isnt that another name for bottom? bum. hehe before the movie we went to sefora so tracy could puff people, uh accidently, with this powdery shit, she was all glittery and it was funny, of course after the movie i had kinda broken out but other than that...so then after the movie my dad pulled up in his tank of a car completely high, hopefully tracys mom didnt notice, and tracy was like "omg!! isabelle!! your dad is such a hippie!!" and i was like "tracy! no!!!" so of course she had to point out his hair, which is probably longer than hers, his car, which is definently larger than anything, and all this other shit and i was like "TRACY NOOO!!" but of course it was too late, so my dad has been dubbed "the hippie" Then tracy decided to climb out her window and i was... helping.. ahem*ripping off her pants as she tried to squirm out*ahem she finally got out and her mom was like "tracy, first the sun roof, and the window before, but agaaaaaain??" and i was laughing so so much. ok so a minute ago i had tons of shit typed here, but i decided i didnt need to tell the world about it, but i really wanna talk to my friends, i love you guys so mucho! basically it has to do w/ my dad and some big ass drama shit that went down. that i dont need to tell everyone about. I hate him so fucking much. ahh! i'm going to be in Arrowhead, i'm gonna post my number later, u guys have to call me, dunno what i'm gonna do! ttyl xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, bella

You know, i dont think anyone takes me seriously. I act so happy all the time even if im not. i dont know why, its almost like a habit because being sad to me, is a concept that isnt accepted..? I really couldnt say why, but people don't realize that i get depressed too, or that i understand things that they think are too mature for me. I was talking to (blank) the other night and (blank) really understands me, but (blank) goes through things a lot worse than me though. So we were talking about being depressed, about cutting, about suicide and lots of other shit, and (blank) said you know, if (blank) tried to commit suicide but lived people would take (blank) seriously,  friends wouldnt give (blank) shit anymore, and people would understand. I agree so much with (blank) sometimes. But at times i wonder, what comes after death? do we get another chance at something or is this it? and if this is it then why are we caused so much pain? Sometimes when i get really depressed and i am disrespecting myself, i guess you would call it, i realize that this could be all i get. But i would give anything for people to understand me, i feel like i am just judged so quickly, people meet me and think i'm immature perky isabelle, who likes horsies and cant spell her own name. Those kind of people are the ones that would make me want to try something. People dont believe me when i tell them certain things, i dont even care who the fuck reads this, if i were to say to someone right now that i had cut they wouldnt believe me for a second, or being anorexic? or trying to commit suicide? because thats not isabelle right? i'm just happy all the time, well fuck you

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER:	uh...um...what was the last movie i saw in a theatre?
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW:	cold mountain
FAVORITE BOARD GAME:	pictionary
FAVORITE MAGAZINE:	seventeen
FAVORITE SMELLS:	vanilla, cookies in the oven, fresh bread
COMFORT FOOD:	hehe....foooood....yum...reces pieces i guess
FAVORITE SOUNDS:	silence, bamboo forests, horses
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:	feeling unloved or abandoned
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING:	its too early, five more minutes
FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE:	in-n-out
FUTURE CHILD'S NAME:	april, alice
FINISH THIS STATEMENT: "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD":	go shopping! then buy a horse. then do some more shopping!
DO YOU DRIVE FAST:	when i get a car i will
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL:	nah, i have loads though
STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY:	...? storms are storms. uh... yeah.
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR:	it will be a mini cooper, lol
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:	ooooh i love daquaries, pina coladas are ok, grey hounds are good.
FINISH THIS STATEMENT,'IF I HAD THE TIME, I WOULD LOVE TO':	sleep in
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI:	No!!
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE:	dark bluie green or brown
GLASS HALF-EMPTY OR FULL:	its a glass. it has water in it. nice.
HOW MANY CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN:	3
FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX:	my bed w/ a book, or the tv
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH:	soccer or baseball
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED:	ooooh well at my moms house, drawers, but at my dads house, all these little gremlinie things *shiver*
TOILET PAPER/ PAPER TOWEL--OVER OR UNDER:	under
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Current Mood: hm, think i might be jealous..

karma hates me.

Most of the dance was fun, overall it was good... i'm tired right now, my leggies hurt... that black dress was sexy, thanks albany! i want to see u one two step, **wink** that was fun.

no seriously, karma hates me. i dont really want to go into it, i dunno who reads this. But as i said before life is a bitch, i feel like i just got slapped. why the fuck do i need guys? its like i depend on them so fucking much and then i just end up getting hurt. its such bull shit. i really wish i could write this fucking shit down i really need to talk to my friends but i dont think they want to at one in the morning. ACK goddamn it!!!

i fucking hate this, it calls for a poem:

These tears well up inside me

Pushing at my face and spilling down my cheeks

Denying all these memories

You summon up this sadness

Even though I should not care

It seems I cannot smile

Why can’t you say that to my face

Residue of me has splintered

For this happiness I’m not allowed

Now its tangled in my hair,

Shadows drift among the common

 

yay! Albany showed me how to load pictures on to my LJ!! thanks albany, heheok:

 

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/sundressLove/kelsey.jpg"> kelsey!!!

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/sundressLove/dog.jpg"> wow, i love this dog its so cute!!

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/sundressLove/ted.jpg"> haha, ted, nice hair

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/sundressLove/goat1.jpg"> its Frank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

so i'm in class right now, bored. Science dunno what were doing... creating an ecosystem??

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO GET PEOPLE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! LEAVE A COMMENT SAYING WHAT YOU WANT, OR I WONT GET YOU ANYTHING!!! HA! uhhh... i think i have to go watch some movie, shcience isn't really sweet though, oh well

hehehehehe ... ha!! ok toodles, xoxoxox, belle

 

MY FUCKING LEG STILL HURTS!!! ITS BRUISED AND SWOLLEN AND MY CHEST IS ALL SCRATCHED UP ON ONE SIDE AND SHIT AAAAAAAAHHHH FUCK!!! god it better heal soon!

ok so leave a comment saying what u want for xmas!!! here is what i want::

Belts, woven/metallic/big buckles Sephora gift certificate Jean skirt w/ pockets coming out (ragged) Bare escentuals gift card Urban outfitters gift card Abercrombie and Fitch gift card Tweed miniskirt w/ pink ribbon belt (from American eagle) Funky vintage jewelry, rings, brooches, bracelets Clip on earrings Black low top converse Galoshes-very colorful DVD’s ( Triplets of Bellville, Pieces of April, etc.) hahahahahaha good luck ;) xoxoxoxo please tell me what you want though, or i will not know what to get you!! ??

no one ever leaves a fucking comment! oh well... i'm tired, but i dont want to go to sleep.

OMG!! my leg hurts a bitch!!!!!!  oh my fucking god i am the most retarded person on earth, i fell. i fucking tripped and fell on my face. MY FACE and my boob and my leg and my foot and i have bruises and scrapes everywhere and my ankle is swollen. FUCK i am so stupid!!!!!!!!!!! god what the hell is wrong with me???? dont answer that.

sooo other than falling on my face, getting in a nasty mood, yelling at all my friends and deciding to eat a roll of cookie dough for lunch, and nothing else, things are kinda bad. ohhh welll.... christmas is coming up, hurrah.

yeah what else... uhh... nm..... i really want to be one of the two student stage director in that play were doing at school, the Odd Couple, i think it would be fun. i'm not going to get it though. Michelle is though.

god sometimes things are so retarded. life is so messed up sometimes. My godparents brother had a baby, and the baby lived luckily, but it was born w/ extra fingers and toes and some of them were completely stuck together, and on top of that it was blind. That was the most fucked up news ive heard all day. its just so fucking screwed up! aaaaaaaack!!!! god what the hell!!!?????!?!?!?!!?

i'm in a really nasty mood right now god god god god god, ok i wrote another poem:

I sit unaided in this hallway

Looking for an exit that isn’t there

These reminiscences that haunt my person

A secret that I shall not share

This language I refuse to speak

The kiss that you refused to keep

I’m melting in this acid rain

Am I peeling tears in vain?

Wait for you to come around

Show you secrets I have found

I sit alone still, glimpse the world

Look for the door that wont appear

I seem to wait for you so long

These thoughts inside me should be clear

OK sooooo, well i am feeding myself, like a pig... lol... reeses pieces, i am eating like a whole bag of them.
hmm i dont know what to do about so many things, some people have it so easy, i just cant take anymore of my dads bullshit.
Saturday night i was playing truth or dare, immature i know, haha, but it was funny, i was playing with like six people from school, i dared this guy to tell Alexa Hunter that he loved her, and wanted to have an affair, but he was too pussy to do it. Then again, i cant do my dare either. Jordan dared me to make out w/ Russell when i saw him at Quiznos on monday. Well i saw him, that was it. I am too shy to do anything, i can barely talk to him, but he is shy too so it doesnt really work. I am still confused. sososooooooo i will leave now,

P.S. Jan asked Rachel to the dance "you're beautiful, beauty is beautiful!" he kept going on and on, so she told him to shut up, and that she was going to kick him etc. lol... k toodles xxxx-belle

ok, p.s.s. i wrote a poem, i dont know if you'll like it, or understand it, but w/e, please leave a comment and tell me what u think KK????lol ok here it goes:

You know that kind of day when you don’t know where you are, and you feel like you are moving in the wrong direction? You feel like every inch of your body is frozen, anxiety grabs every nerve. At times you feel like you are going backwards, everything is wrong, and you are so far from being right. Then you feel like you surge forward all of a sudden, right around that bend in the road, and you cant see ahead of you and you don’t know where you are going.
I was on the bus and we were going backwards, to a day that didn’t deserve to happen, and when I got there everything went wrong, and nothing I did made sense.
I really wanted to capture that fucking midget, in my butterfly net of steel, but he was too tall, and I was too short. Yet in this mirror of society it was exactly the opposite, no one knows what its like to be a fucking Amazon queen.
Bring out your umbrellas, for the goddess of this rain cloud is beginning to clap her hands, bravo you’ve been applauded by the face that sailed a thousand ships.
Now I’m definitely confused, for I thought your name must surely be something very close to me, for you only seem to laugh like a little sheep that follows its herders. You must surely know that lying can get you so far, but not far enough to fly away up to the moon. Mail must take a little longer, but at least the trees don’t talk to toothpicks.
Now do you see where these expectations have gotten me? My true color must be red, but it only shows through on cloudy days, when there is a good chance of shyness, I heard it is contagious, or so the weatherman said. Expect me to rain on this sunny day? I think not my fine young peach cobbler.
When the fat girl sang, everyone was amazed at her talent, even though she had the personality of a cow. So even though the opera ran quite through the roof it seemed to shock me paralyzing every inch. they should've arrested her, for her ugly ass.
How can I grow up when I am having too much fun being little? Jose I think you should grow down. Like a palm tree beaten in the pouring rain. Or my spirits beaten by a whirlwind, only not in Kansas. When these tears pour down on your parade I will laugh like a loon, and dance like a diva, only it won’t show because I’ll be too shy for you to see it.
& I’m still moving backwards.

ok you better leave a comment people!

lol hihi, i stole this from someones lj... hehe... so ppl you know what to do heeheh...
yeah, you better fill it out! lol xxxx-bella
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends? What type of friends (not sure, okay, good, best, bestest, boyfriend, girlfriend)?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me? Ever wanted to make out with me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. What do you think my weakness is?
19. Would you marry me?
20. What makes me happy?
21. What makes me sad?
22. What reminds you of me?
23. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? If so then, what?
24. Do you think I could kill someone?
25. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
26. Would you take a bullet for me???
and to wrap it up.....

three words that describe me are?

so yeah, today things just went from ok to bad to fucking shitty.

so yeah, the bus was a crack up though, kelsey got really really hyper, then she jumped on top of me screaming cockroach, she thought she saw one. Then she started screaming and laughing and no one knew why, and everyone was staring, so i moved back a few seats to see what she would do and she followed me, but we went around a really sharp corner and she fell on the floor, face down. Then the entire bus started cracking up.

yeh, and today, there's this really hot guy (from school) and he was sitting with these two ppl, and after i walked by he said "yea like her, see, i think she's ugly" or sumthing like that. really kinda bummed me out, i don't know if he was talking about me, but i think so.

amigos, i need some cheering up right about now, not feeling too sizzlin. ne way toodles, mua xxxxx-bella

I am super hungry right now! it's advisory, we're sitting in the teachers lounges, advisory. sucks ass. boring as hell. There are tons of bagles sitting on the table right in front of me, looks so good! you don't even know! so yeah, sitting next to kelsey right now: hi my name is kelsey i am really hungery isabelles laptop buttons are funny haha im soo hungery and bored at the same time. yeh that was kelsey.. ne ways toodles for now. mua, xxxxxxx-bella